I swear this song was written about me...REALLY !!!
She's faced the hardest times
you could imagine
and many times her eyes fought back the tears
and when her youthful world
was about to fall in
each time her slender shoulders
bore the weight of all her fears
and a sorrow no one hears
still rings in midnight silence,
in her ears
Let her cry, for she's a lady
let her dream, for she's a child
let the rain fall down upon her
She's a free and gentle flower,
growing wild
and if by chance I should hold her
let me hold her for a time
but if allowed just one possession
I would pick her from the garden,
to be mine
Be careful how you touch her,
for she'll awaken
and sleep's the only freedom that she knows
and when you walk into her eyes,
you won't believe
the way she's always paying
for a debt she never owes
and a silent wind still blows
that only she can hear and so she goes
Let her cry, for she's a lady
let her dream, for she's a child
let the rain fall down upon her
She's a free and gentle flower,
growing wild
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Monday, May 19, 2008
What is wrong with people?
First of all I am on well, not even ok. So I am a little bitchy...or maybe a lot.
Friday morning my mother got into the hospital due to a heart episode. My only way of being with her is the stupid phone. I am miles and miles away and there is nothing I can do, I feel helpless. I can't even SEE if she's ok and that hurts like hell.
Second, are some people BORN stupid or it's an acquired "trait" ? And let me explain.
A few days ago my beloved husband (insert sarcasm here) told me that he is SICK of my condition, that I am a "dead weight" and that I have nothing to offer to anyone. He is tired already of taking care of me, and mind you, he is just talking about 2-3 hours after work when he had to bring food (take-out ...no cooking) and maybe do the dishes or something. He said that he is SICK of him having to work and me sitting on my ass at home because I am sick. So when I told him that I don't want to be a "dead weight" to anyone thus maybe I should go to my mother or father, he said "oh you are a dead weight for them as well". How loving isn't he? We had a MAJOR fight with a lot of hurtful things said by him....and that was it. I tried to force myself to go to work the next few days, which resulted in my fainting and becoming worse (yes I KNOW I am stupid you don't have to tell me). All of a sudden he becomes all sweet and nice and caring...hmmm..yeah I think I've seen that episode before.
Friday when my mom got in the hospital, and he knew...he came home and was ready to pick a fight again..and he did. So I said "gee thanks for being so understanding" and somehow this triggered a "conversation".
In a few minutes for some reason I managed to go WAY back .. to the moment all the problems started. And for the first time I talked.. about everything, with every detail. All he did was looking at the floor, clenching his teeth and shaking his head.
Every few minutes he would look at me saying "yes.. I did that... mistake" and then eyes back on the floor. He looked as guilty as a person can look.
I went through our entire marriage...I was speaking in tears, cause it was the first time I spoke about all this..everything that hurt me. At the end I said "look at me", and slowly he raised his eyes from the floor but wouldn't dare to look in mine.
I said "LOOK IN MY EYES"...he looked. "You have killed EVERYTHING good I had in me.. you have killed ME in so many aspects but I still stayed"
He answered "any other woman would have left from the first year" ....and he said that with a great difficulty.
I told him that I am not willing to lose every last piece of myself that is left.. I am not willing to bury myself for good.. for him or for anyone else. I told him that I want to LIVE and SMILE and be HAPPY for a change.. cause I deserve it.
At the end, I simply said "As you realize I cannot stay in USA..so I will talk to my mother and see if I can go to her..and I am informing you just so you won't start saying that I am being sneaky and taking YOUR kids away from you (thats what he said when I left him in 2000 and went to my mother...of course he forgot to mention that for 6 months that I was there he didnt even bother to call and see how his kids were, if they had to eat or if they were sick..)
During the weekend he didnt talk much..but now he is behacing like the best husband alive. But for me... it's too late. I might be here, but I am gone already, for years now.
So.. why do people have to LOSE something in order to do what they should have done from the beginning? Why is it SO hard to understand that you CAN'T expect to treat a person like CRAP for 13 years and then when it suits you start treating them nice and expect everything to be ok?
It CAN'T be ok, it can NEVER be ok again...this boat has sailed...
Friday morning my mother got into the hospital due to a heart episode. My only way of being with her is the stupid phone. I am miles and miles away and there is nothing I can do, I feel helpless. I can't even SEE if she's ok and that hurts like hell.
Second, are some people BORN stupid or it's an acquired "trait" ? And let me explain.
A few days ago my beloved husband (insert sarcasm here) told me that he is SICK of my condition, that I am a "dead weight" and that I have nothing to offer to anyone. He is tired already of taking care of me, and mind you, he is just talking about 2-3 hours after work when he had to bring food (take-out ...no cooking) and maybe do the dishes or something. He said that he is SICK of him having to work and me sitting on my ass at home because I am sick. So when I told him that I don't want to be a "dead weight" to anyone thus maybe I should go to my mother or father, he said "oh you are a dead weight for them as well". How loving isn't he? We had a MAJOR fight with a lot of hurtful things said by him....and that was it. I tried to force myself to go to work the next few days, which resulted in my fainting and becoming worse (yes I KNOW I am stupid you don't have to tell me). All of a sudden he becomes all sweet and nice and caring...hmmm..yeah I think I've seen that episode before.
Friday when my mom got in the hospital, and he knew...he came home and was ready to pick a fight again..and he did. So I said "gee thanks for being so understanding" and somehow this triggered a "conversation".
In a few minutes for some reason I managed to go WAY back .. to the moment all the problems started. And for the first time I talked.. about everything, with every detail. All he did was looking at the floor, clenching his teeth and shaking his head.
Every few minutes he would look at me saying "yes.. I did that... mistake" and then eyes back on the floor. He looked as guilty as a person can look.
I went through our entire marriage...I was speaking in tears, cause it was the first time I spoke about all this..everything that hurt me. At the end I said "look at me", and slowly he raised his eyes from the floor but wouldn't dare to look in mine.
I said "LOOK IN MY EYES"...he looked. "You have killed EVERYTHING good I had in me.. you have killed ME in so many aspects but I still stayed"
He answered "any other woman would have left from the first year" ....and he said that with a great difficulty.
I told him that I am not willing to lose every last piece of myself that is left.. I am not willing to bury myself for good.. for him or for anyone else. I told him that I want to LIVE and SMILE and be HAPPY for a change.. cause I deserve it.
At the end, I simply said "As you realize I cannot stay in USA..so I will talk to my mother and see if I can go to her..and I am informing you just so you won't start saying that I am being sneaky and taking YOUR kids away from you (thats what he said when I left him in 2000 and went to my mother...of course he forgot to mention that for 6 months that I was there he didnt even bother to call and see how his kids were, if they had to eat or if they were sick..)
During the weekend he didnt talk much..but now he is behacing like the best husband alive. But for me... it's too late. I might be here, but I am gone already, for years now.
So.. why do people have to LOSE something in order to do what they should have done from the beginning? Why is it SO hard to understand that you CAN'T expect to treat a person like CRAP for 13 years and then when it suits you start treating them nice and expect everything to be ok?
It CAN'T be ok, it can NEVER be ok again...this boat has sailed...
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
The most amazing day
I haven't had a FULL day of good mood and laughs in...ages. I don't even remember when was the last one, but I know it has been many many years.
I have been in a good mood the past few days, maybe cause finally everything seems to be falling into place for once. With a small exception of yesterday, which was totally me to blame for my bad mood, I have been really really upbeat.
But today it was something else. I didn't wake up feeling really..happy but then things changed. A specific someone came online (from one one we'll be calling him..Werewolf) and decided to put a smile on my face. But you see... we are both pretty crazy (shhhh don't tell anyone) so the smile became laughter, and the laughter became laughing to tears till our tummies hurt. For hours and hours we've been laughing like two little kids...the reason? Nothing. Seriously.. it was all completely silly but to us it was.. funny :) I really really enjoyed it and it's good to remember to laugh.. I had totally forgotten.
I had a very long talk with mister Greek the other night, he was calm and seemed reasonable (yeah right). He even said himself that he realizes that we can't fix anything any more, that what we had was lost years ago and that the point we reached had no going back. I told him that I know that his "idea" of love and marriage was apparently way different than mine (I didn't wanna say that his was fucked up) and that there is no way he can give me what I want or need or deserve, and that I can't give him what he wants either. I also told him that I care about him and always will, but if we continue like this we will end up hating each other and that's not something I want to feel for the father of my children. He admitted that even though we tried all those years (yeah he tried my ass) it's not working.
I asked him at some point what he thinks it's the solution. He said either we continue like this till we reach our limits (no thanks mine have been reached long ago) or we end it now (yes please).
Next day....he suddenly became mister sweetheart. He is EXTRA nice, EXTRA loving, EXTRA caring, like nothing ever happened, like we are in our honeymoon. Ummm excuse me? did I miss something? Someone sent a memo and I didn't get it ?
Seriously I feel sorry for him... he acts nice only when he realizes he is losing me for good.. and I used to fall for that, but not any more, it's not working. There is nothing there for me, I don't love him any more. How can you still love a man than abused you physically and more so emotionally for 13 whole years? Yes I can forgive, I cannot forget though..I tried.
Anyway it's kinda convenient to have him in this mood since I don't like fights, I need to be calm so I can go on with my plan.
Plan is.. I tell him before my mom comes in June that I plan on leaving with her. Mom comes, I take the kids and go to Germany. We stay together, I find a job, kids go to an American school there so they won;t miss their year due to language, they learn German.. and we try to adjust with my mother's help. After that, hopefully Werewolf will join us soon...and we take it from there :)
ok it's bed time.. and for the first time in years I am gonna go to sleep with nice thoughts in my head... night night world..
I have been in a good mood the past few days, maybe cause finally everything seems to be falling into place for once. With a small exception of yesterday, which was totally me to blame for my bad mood, I have been really really upbeat.
But today it was something else. I didn't wake up feeling really..happy but then things changed. A specific someone came online (from one one we'll be calling him..Werewolf) and decided to put a smile on my face. But you see... we are both pretty crazy (shhhh don't tell anyone) so the smile became laughter, and the laughter became laughing to tears till our tummies hurt. For hours and hours we've been laughing like two little kids...the reason? Nothing. Seriously.. it was all completely silly but to us it was.. funny :) I really really enjoyed it and it's good to remember to laugh.. I had totally forgotten.
I had a very long talk with mister Greek the other night, he was calm and seemed reasonable (yeah right). He even said himself that he realizes that we can't fix anything any more, that what we had was lost years ago and that the point we reached had no going back. I told him that I know that his "idea" of love and marriage was apparently way different than mine (I didn't wanna say that his was fucked up) and that there is no way he can give me what I want or need or deserve, and that I can't give him what he wants either. I also told him that I care about him and always will, but if we continue like this we will end up hating each other and that's not something I want to feel for the father of my children. He admitted that even though we tried all those years (yeah he tried my ass) it's not working.
I asked him at some point what he thinks it's the solution. He said either we continue like this till we reach our limits (no thanks mine have been reached long ago) or we end it now (yes please).
Next day....he suddenly became mister sweetheart. He is EXTRA nice, EXTRA loving, EXTRA caring, like nothing ever happened, like we are in our honeymoon. Ummm excuse me? did I miss something? Someone sent a memo and I didn't get it ?
Seriously I feel sorry for him... he acts nice only when he realizes he is losing me for good.. and I used to fall for that, but not any more, it's not working. There is nothing there for me, I don't love him any more. How can you still love a man than abused you physically and more so emotionally for 13 whole years? Yes I can forgive, I cannot forget though..I tried.
Anyway it's kinda convenient to have him in this mood since I don't like fights, I need to be calm so I can go on with my plan.
Plan is.. I tell him before my mom comes in June that I plan on leaving with her. Mom comes, I take the kids and go to Germany. We stay together, I find a job, kids go to an American school there so they won;t miss their year due to language, they learn German.. and we try to adjust with my mother's help. After that, hopefully Werewolf will join us soon...and we take it from there :)
ok it's bed time.. and for the first time in years I am gonna go to sleep with nice thoughts in my head... night night world..
Saturday, May 10, 2008
The River
You know I never listened to country music before I came to this country. And even when I came.. I was kinda making fun of it. Since then though I have listened to some AMAZING songs that now I keep in my heart. Here's one of them ...dedicated to all dreamers.. including me.
You know a dream is like a river
Ever changin' as it flows
And a dreamer's just a vessel
That must follow where it goes
Trying to learn from what's behind you
And never knowing what's in store
Makes each day a constant battle
Just to stay between the shores
And I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Too many times we stand aside
And let the waters slip away
'Til what we put off 'til tomorrow
It has now become today
So don't you sit upon the shoreline
And say you're satisfied
Choose to chance the rapids
And dare to dance that tide
And I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
There's bound to be rough waters
And I know I'll tke soome falls
With the good Lord as my captain
I can make it through them all
And I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Lord, I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Yea
You know a dream is like a river
Ever changin' as it flows
And a dreamer's just a vessel
That must follow where it goes
Trying to learn from what's behind you
And never knowing what's in store
Makes each day a constant battle
Just to stay between the shores
And I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Too many times we stand aside
And let the waters slip away
'Til what we put off 'til tomorrow
It has now become today
So don't you sit upon the shoreline
And say you're satisfied
Choose to chance the rapids
And dare to dance that tide
And I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
There's bound to be rough waters
And I know I'll tke soome falls
With the good Lord as my captain
I can make it through them all
And I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Lord, I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Yea
Sunday, May 4, 2008
And fear kicks in...
Yes there is a plan, is it the right one though? will it work? Maybe I should do things differently? Why does everything have to be so damn hard?
I haven't slept all night, not for a single minute. Millions of thoughts run through my mind and I am scared as hell. Where am I going? what am I doing? what will happen to the kids? If I was alone things would be so much easier and so different. My I have two little souls depending on MY decisions. Am I making the right ones? Maybe I should just bow my head and stay as I am for their own sake? Maybe I am not supposed to look for happiness ? Am i being selfish? God I wish there was a book with all the answers, or someone to tell me what to do.
Ok I came here and dragged two little kids almost 6 years ago with nothing in my pocket , and I did it. I worked as a waitress doing double and triple shifts sometimes, supporting them and my beloved husband (insert sarcasm here) for a year. Then he finally decided to work and I stayed at home with them, trying to make some money with web design.
Now I am going back to square one. And what to do? Stay here? I won't be able to support my kids and that prick of a man won't help, I know that. Plus he will fight me every second and make my life miserable.
Go to Germany with my mom? She can barely support herself, what if I don't find a job fast? And how will the kids adjust and learn yet another new language? And Alex? we will be even further away ...I can't stand the thought of my life without him. What if he gets scared and backs off? What if something happens?
Go to Venezuela? How? I don't speak the language, I don't know if I can find a job, and I don't know what the options for the kids are there.
God such a headache.. I am seriously trying to do the right thing here but I DON'T know what the right thing is any more..
Can I just sleep and wake up a year later? Maybe things will be better...
Is it 2009 yet?
I haven't slept all night, not for a single minute. Millions of thoughts run through my mind and I am scared as hell. Where am I going? what am I doing? what will happen to the kids? If I was alone things would be so much easier and so different. My I have two little souls depending on MY decisions. Am I making the right ones? Maybe I should just bow my head and stay as I am for their own sake? Maybe I am not supposed to look for happiness ? Am i being selfish? God I wish there was a book with all the answers, or someone to tell me what to do.
Ok I came here and dragged two little kids almost 6 years ago with nothing in my pocket , and I did it. I worked as a waitress doing double and triple shifts sometimes, supporting them and my beloved husband (insert sarcasm here) for a year. Then he finally decided to work and I stayed at home with them, trying to make some money with web design.
Now I am going back to square one. And what to do? Stay here? I won't be able to support my kids and that prick of a man won't help, I know that. Plus he will fight me every second and make my life miserable.
Go to Germany with my mom? She can barely support herself, what if I don't find a job fast? And how will the kids adjust and learn yet another new language? And Alex? we will be even further away ...I can't stand the thought of my life without him. What if he gets scared and backs off? What if something happens?
Go to Venezuela? How? I don't speak the language, I don't know if I can find a job, and I don't know what the options for the kids are there.
God such a headache.. I am seriously trying to do the right thing here but I DON'T know what the right thing is any more..
Can I just sleep and wake up a year later? Maybe things will be better...
Is it 2009 yet?
Saturday, May 3, 2008
Stand by
The plan is in motion, I can't get into details cause they are still being "researched", but it IS in motion. One is preparing here, one in Germany, and one in... Venezuela (yes we are international dammit!!)
Finally there is some light at the end of this freakishly long tunnel and I am hopeful, and content, and excited....and so much... in love.
This eagle is actually gonna break free... SOON !!
Stand by...
Goodnight
Kalinihta
Buenas noches
Finally there is some light at the end of this freakishly long tunnel and I am hopeful, and content, and excited....and so much... in love.
This eagle is actually gonna break free... SOON !!
Stand by...
Goodnight
Kalinihta
Buenas noches
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